Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Attacked by a mop.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.