[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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Just as the prophecy foretold
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?