Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
New menu item
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno