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Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.