turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
HOW DARE YOU
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there