Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.