Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Whisper out to librarians!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
just pretend nothing happened
Sorry I made promises on Friday
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
that colleague who touches your screen
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Morning my dudes.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.