waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.