A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
girls literally only want one thing..
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime