Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Owl Sanctuary
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that