#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years