Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I