Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
❤️🦆
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me