Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?