Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”