somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Snapes on a plane.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin