I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Just how popey was the pope today?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit