A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
You Might Also Like
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.