Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
the clam before the storm
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.