Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Some people were born into their job.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
it must be school picture day
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good