20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
A great tip. #CakeRex
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors