[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not