[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
what day is it?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds