nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I love you…
…r dog.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.