[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]