HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You Might Also Like
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot