I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
being a writer on Twitter:
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
NASA has no chill
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.