Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?