“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
That’s fair
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name