Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.