You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.