me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget