When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.