After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.