My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’