Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
WHO DID THIS?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.