MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.