Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Just why bro?!