Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You Might Also Like
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”