I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.