Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m giving up for Lent.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.