“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you