The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon