If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
This was the best day of my life
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?