A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
road rage