Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Hero horse inspires millions
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Spell check is for lasers.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Have a lovely day 😊
Breaking news:
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.