I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.