Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic