police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…