Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?